One year on

get out of my way i need another shot of gin.

2007-05-25T02:04:00Z

its been an insane two and a bit weeks.
leaving the flat, finding a new one, insane people at work tryin to get me fired, uni goin nuts, waking up in random beds with all my clothes on, the best gigs ever, chatting up american musicians, guestlists, pretty dresses ago-go, the sunshine and ive just been told the band have got into t in th park.
were all goin out tommorow night and im gonna get absolutly fucked.

life is ace.

oxymoron

2007-05-20T14:17:29Z

ive been looking throu old photo's. i definatly have a type hahaha. oo-er.
and i also keep forgetting how nice lookin all my mates are, and how good some of them are at photography. i honestly hope i never loose them.

gig later, me and natalia goin to see the billionaires (my workmate and now friends band), i hope she likes em, they are responsible for some awesome nights out up here in ye ol edinburgh good in someways, bad in others (i blame the medicine) davids gonna be there i think, i have no idea whats goin on with me and him but im not gonna let it be wierd.

i like livejournal, but its really easy to want to steal someones idea, i belong to a couple of polaroid ones and in one a girl is taking then posting a polaroid everyday for a year, a while back i read a book by a man who had taked a photograph everyday for a year, just so happend he was a fashion photographer with a model girlefriend so im sure it helped but it made me want to do the same, i am so forgetful and im always seeing things i like everyday but i must have let it slip my mind. the livejournal thing has renewed my interest and i would start today and go buy film or a disposable camera if i wasnt so damn broke (weep weep) might actually have a little root around my room to see if i can find any i might have tucked away somewhere. i only have 4 camera's. two polaroids a shiney one that works and an old one that sometimes doesnt, my fish eye and a crappy digital. i dont want to take any with the digital one and polaroid film is proper expensive so i shall be buying tesco price disposables. whoop whoop.

i might be mooving to marchmont in august, into a flat i havent seen ahahha. eep. but i trust the judjment of the people who have seen it so hrm, wonder what it shall be like, i love the prospect of an unknown change, makes me all jittery in a good way. there are a few things i have to change about myself to at the moment. i keep getting much to wasted and behaving very, well. sluttishly i guess is the most honest way of putting it, its like i need someone to sit me down and say, stop it. cause being single all the time means i have no-one to worry bout upsetting with my behaviour. i think im gonna have to do it for myself.

the subject of the headline today is, well ive been smoking all morning and drinking herbal detox tea. kindof stupid combination.

graphic

2007-05-03T18:07:43Z

i have a big long list of things i have to do, and an even bigger one of things i want to do. im not really doing either of them.

have to do.
finish costume: hemline, back fastenings, corset fastenings, buy ribbon, add on fabric manipulation
re-draw georges tatto in greytone
clean my room
clean the flat
clear out uni workspace
start getting stuff together for my mid-term review
give tal cash for the bills
wash my clothes
phone home
buy food

want to do
practise drumming and japanese more
sort out my drawings
t-break
see david
go back to london for a couple of days
go to choir
slob out
take a really good photograph of myself (haha)
new music

alot of things. balls.
i feal like sleeping for ahundred years.

weekend without makeup.

2007-04-27T19:09:37Z

its been a vrey strange last few days,the party on saterday, with the massive country house and random peacocks and my very own bottles of wine. sleepy sleepy. then working saterday exhausted from the lack of sleeping but still thinking its a good idea to go out dancing after, then wandering the streets with david, craig, carly, libby, danny and scot, stealing minstrels from the co-op and then, being the drunken fool that i am inviting tham all back to mine at 4 am then what followed. hahahaha. ohh bad bad medicene, and a few things i really shouldnt know. i like these people, i hope they like me. lots of stuff to do, damn internet procrastination. i should save this for some other day...

hourm

2007-04-10T01:34:54Z

just realised ive had this journal for a year. wierd.

gimme 3 wishes

2007-04-06T14:43:38Z

ohhh it was one hell of a week. funfunfunfunfun. i missed london very much, my family, my friends, my city. so much done!
friday: dads retirement party, free beer and nibblies... i fell asleep in the cloakroom, damn all night buses.
saterday: nicks club night, a resounding sucsess if you ask me... i got to see the pretty faces of nick, sammy, philip, joe, chris, colin, andrew and his bro, chloe, kirsty, jack, bill, lewis ahhhh they played my english romance haha we had a bit of a dance and found some free champagne ended the night with an old favorite, victoria at 3am, proper class.
sunday: went for a walk with ma and pa, noticed the liver spots on thiere hands for the first time. mad eme feel all wierd.
monday: did absolutly fuck all, pj's and fairy cakes all day hahha
tuesday: went to see dear ol jackyboy resulting in my first ever whitey hahaha, and then randomly an 80's clubnight. odd odd, but good good too.
wednesday: straight from maidstone to see the lovely lucy j, met at the happnin place (code for victoria st) and spent the day wondering around china town like vagrents.. spent the night at her house eatin curry and watching trash tv
thursday: me and philip went to the local, hah, drank a little too much cider, ran to tesco's in the dark and spent 9 quid on easter eggs, caught a cab to his house and sat in the car park up the road gettin preeeetty much wasted before going back to his to watch labarinth and stuff our faces full of branded chocolate.
friday: spent the day moochin about and wathced harold and maude with me big sis (fucking awesome film. really really really)
saterday: saw rebo. fuck ive missed her. went to our favorite bar.. two floors, hidden away in a corner of carnaby st, drinking japanese beer and smiling at the barmen, laughing my arse of the whole night before teetering back to vicoria arm in arm along the streets
sunday: spent the morning with kelly, over creamy hotchocolates in croyden talking about old times and funny stories before having to catch a train up tp soho to get my second lovely tattoo done. hurt like fuck, looks looovvvveeelly. haha.
monday: 11am train, home by 4pm at work by 5.

so many more people i wish i could have seen, but writting this all down will help me from forgetting all the things i did get to do. (my memory seems to be deteriorating twice as fast these days) oo-eer.
i miss lots of different things. i miss the easy friends i have at home, but i like the new ones im getting here, where its at that stage when you have to try hard to be friends, when your still not sure how much and how little you can be yourself around them. it takes time, but i know i need friends up here. i miss my family and my home, i miss knowing where everything is and being able to give people directions but i like the sense of adventure i get here, im new its funny. im always wondering whats going to happen next

crap casino.

2007-03-21T20:57:47Z

i had a lovely day. odd that.

but what about tuesday?

2007-03-19T20:04:36Z

oooooh happy days, 2 weeks holiday, fun at the gym, reading festival tickets (whoop kings of leon, css, klaxons, lcd soundsytems, arcade fire, bloc party, biffy clyro, ect ect whoop) actually did some proper excersise got all pink in the face....sexy. got paid and then discoverd ebay. hah. have been good and not bid stupidly on things i dont have enough money for, though was sorely tempted. got this dress for 15 quid though, looks like fun, and its 1950's so it might actually fit my stupid-arse body shape.

lets see how things go...

dreams dreams

2007-03-08T18:00:50Z

oooooh its sunny on these cobbled streets. i bought another polariod camera for one pound (its broken as hell but everynow and again it takes a nice one) im allright

untitled with whilstling.

2007-03-04T22:17:16Z

home again jiggedy jigg.
things are sliding between the way they are and the way they where.
and by home i mean edinburgh. havent really been home in a long time. everytime i think im loosing them i get little nudges and its nice, but sad to. cos listening to there lovely songs and a comment never makes up for a drink soaked dancefloor and a 5am train. but here its getting better, a group of people are nice to me, even when i do things and take things that make me overly friendly to the wrong people. i have to stop that, i dont want to do what i did with the boys in the band with this new group of cool ones. i had fun but it was a little heartbreaking. so really its just friends for me and everyone from now on. i dont really see the point, id only fuck it up anyhow. had a lovely weekend, saw my family in leeds, bought an old handbag and alot of 7inch records, danced until 3am in a jazz/swing and rumba bar smoked infront of them, bad idea but bad thoughts where working there way in. now im lying on my bed, next to my wide open window looking at black surrounded stars. doesnt matter that its cold, ive missed this view to much to care.

cockbothererre

2007-02-06T05:09:10Z

edinburgh. drizzely.
its 5:03 am. im compleatly sober and not that tierd. i dont know if i should risk sleep and waking up 3 hours late and getting into shit with my tutors, or not sleeping and passing out at work around 1 am tommorow morning. meah, tuesdays are slow in the pub anyways. im sure i will be fine.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
balls
thats the problem with doing an arts degree and living in a room with no natural daylight, things sortof stop making sense after a bit.

rollers and industrial estates

2007-01-22T02:06:18Z

things have been going swimmingly lately, joined a gym = feel healthy, been really getting along with friends/workmates/costume girls, been a drunken fool "i own land on the moon" wtf? ah well been havin a great time with tal-lookin at old photos, watchin comedy vids cooking properly ect ect. fish visited wich was great he is an odd odd boy, and speaking of odd odd boys i met a rather nice one who thinks i am rather nice to, although is compleate dependance on pills/weed/ect in order to have a good time gets a little boring, but then again that really seems to be my type doesnt it... the slightly off ones hahaha. but yeah, missing london and the folks that come with it, slightly paranoid about this mid-term review thing coming up at college and feeling kindof allright about the way i look.. long hair may not be such a bad thing after all, i mean look at all the fun one can have with it

heheheheheheheheheehheeh
oh i am quite sad
goodnight folks, do let me know how you are.
xxx

ow

2007-01-05T19:51:21Z

i fell asleep last night while i was doing my homework, and fell of my chair. my face was all swollen when i woke up, an my bottom lip just split on the inside when i tried to eat a fucking sandwhich. little bear, your gonna laugh so much when you get back.

the essay im not writting.

2006-12-02T12:45:27Z

my sister has come to visit, big sister phee, its funny, i haddent really realised how little i had taken advantage of the fact i live in a city till she came up, weve been all over the place, playing chess and wierd 70's math games with prodigy children in the forest cafe, reading 80's comics at 25p each in deadhead, eating fish and chips in sleezy late night diners. i even went to a tango ball in a beutiful hall and lernt to dance argentinian tango... people are suprisingly nice if you wear a good pair of heals and explain that youve never danced this dance before... at the moment she's out xmas shopping and im supposed to be writting an essay, something to do with fashion and modernity. really cant do it, my dyslexias getting worse and a feal quite useless, just avoiding it really. silly girl.
atp first, then home. wowo christmas is going to be beutiful. even without snow.

i thought you said you where blind

2006-11-15T20:01:10Z

auroraborialis.
i have no idea what that word means. i just like it.

its raining. i have a cold. and a big bag of maltesasers.
drew this the other day. hurrah ect.

anyways. been daydreaming about the future. i wonder whats going to happen next and all that.
wierd wierd wierd. so many things have happend since i started this journal, alot of things i didnt expect to happen, some that i hoped wouldnt and others that maybe are better for me than i think they are. well see i guess. goin to have carrots now. carrots and humous. tasty

ohanzee_nu @ 2006-11-14T20:49:00

2006-11-14T20:49:00Z

youll never watch your life slide out of view. and then dance and drink and screw. because theres nothing else to do.

you dont know me at all.
and you never will.
thank fuck.

talk talk talk

2006-10-23T12:22:49Z

hrm.
life is many things at the moment.
on one side. really good. really really good.
great course, lots of work but its good work, a warm flat with lots of food in the fridge, a good job, a beutiful city, rain, invitations to birthday parties, a fucking great flatmate who makes me laugh and has good taste in film, friends at home who still talk to me, not looking to bad with boys hair, no dept, no illness, my lovely drums are coming in a couple of weeks.. its ok.

but otherwise. every positive has a negative.
im hungover almost everymorning, therfore late into class, theres so much fucking work im allready behind i dont know when im gona get time to go to glasgow and get bloody fabric samples, i cant seam to keep anything clean, a job that i might loose when we get our new manager, loose or have to quit if they cut down my hours, a city where i dont know where to go, and dont know anyone and am so scared of making a bad impretion i just make no impression at all, friends at home who i miss and i know it will be different when i go back. my skin eugh, really unsure about how much i should be spending, no doctor to go to, no room for anything anywhere. oh and ugh. Im really pissed of at stuff. honestly. i know im pissing other people of, i really dont want to be the person you cant talk to because they just have a go at you, i dont want to add to yor stress, but i dont really know how to help, i kindof make it up as i go along, before ive always been to self involved to even really care about peoples problems but i want you to be ok. so i have a go at you, great logic lou. but you know i dont mean to be a shit, or to make you feal crap or anything, i mean quite the opposite, i hope you know that and havent just put me into a box labeld, 'idiots who dont get it' maybe i should stop trying to fix you, and let you fix yourself, and just make you feal better when its all crap. would that be better? i guess so.

hhhhrrrrrrm. thats about all the rant out. i keep thinking about the past. (hence last couple of rather self-indulgent posts) bad bad bad. theres bollock-all to gain from it really. i have to leave it all behind at some point.

more good things though. a co-worker his name is craig, saw a drawing i did on my break at the pub, asked if he could use it for his band, i said yeah why not, made a copy of it, wrote his band name on it blah blah ect and gave him a couple of versions for the band to pick. turns out much to my suprise, that they have a record deal with parlaphone (not sure of spelling) and that if the company like the cover i did, its gona be, propelry printed, like, alot in shops with my name on the back. jeepers.
its funny, ive been freinds with various bands for years and never been asked to do anything by them, or if i have nothing has come of it. and ive known this guy for a week or two. it could be rejected by the company but still. its a nice thought.

good ol' silhouettes...
got some letters to send, emails to write, people to call, lots of little things to do, like music shopping and laundry. i feal, not in limbo but like im inbetween two things... not really sure why.
also fealing uber uber copycat-ish at the moment, in a bad way. not sure what to do about it. teh. things change.
some things can stay the same.
samon with herb butter for one.
yum.

nothing more and nothing less

2006-10-02T12:18:43Z

heheheheheh
oh dear. bad loui.
ok so job = yay, workmates, funny, nice to me even when i fuck up with the till/ cutlery /food order /whatever but bad. bad bad bad. the whole 'lets see how drunk we can get the new girl before she stops being able to pull a pint' very it turns out. first day of cvcs (disitation preperation lectures) today, compleatly hungover, looking like an emo tit in my hoodie because my hair was so wrong it had to be coverd up. hahahahha oh my brain feels bad.
on the other hand, apart from the continuos drunkeness things are going swimmingly. i feal sort of happy. not stupid happy like when you get a kitten (sob) but expectant happy, like on the edge of something and it may be a horrible something or an amazing something, i just dont know what yet.

but my intentions are good

2006-10-01T02:23:03Z

whoooooooooooo wee hah. i have a job (much dancing in the ailse for this one) i feal so much more ok now i know i have that sorted, things like, uni and friends and stress all realy on it, you know like i cant afford to go out if i dont have one equaling stress and fealing left out, cant buy new materials if i dont have one equaling stress and not to whahey about work. i know life isnt all about money. im not a twat. but it helps when your a student, im sure of that. hopefully i'll stop being such a crazy bitch all the time now. oh i wonder what the people on my course are gona be like, i hope there ok. or realllly crap, so i have someone to hate. it would be rubbish if they where only a little bit crap as people, then i would hate them and feal bad about it.
gah. my brain functions on a whole other place at this time in the mourning, meaning i sya things i always think, but never say maaaeagggg i.e. ect blah. oh im sleepy. and happy. the people i work with are nice and dont take themselves seriosly. thank fuck. ah bed now. sleep and dreams and maybe gettingcalled at 3 am again by joe n sammy to sign parklife to me. i swear i thought i dreamed that, had tocheck my calls register to make sure it really happend. its not fair, your suposed to be being dicks so i dont miss you. not drunk sweethearts.
oy vey *throws hands in air, in manner of old jewish man...*

come back spirit

2006-09-25T01:25:08Z

ok. so drunk updating is a good and bad thing. bad because it is fairly attention seaking and over dramatic, and the spelling/typing skills leave much to be desired. but good becuase i really needed to get that out of my head and my system and onto something tangible. (hahah who am i kidding. my spelling probably improves when im drunk)

euch anyways. tis not so bad. just complicated. like a box, full of string and shoelaces and if you pull one out, you bring a heap with it. it is decided that i think and talk to much about the same things. i think i should stop obbsessing over the things i have no controll over, start reading proper books again, and enjoy the next three years. whatever they bring.
ahh i truely am a miniture buddah coverd in hair

fuck it

2006-09-23T22:55:08Z

ok so drunk updating is a bad idea but fuck it. right here goes confesion time
1. im smoking. hahahahahahhahahhahahahahaha 8 days thats the best i can do. fucking loser that i am
2. i miss the boys i know. hve done many a stupid thig with them but i still miss em. the boy. and the one from the seaside. sad sad sad.
3. im stupidly jelos of my friend and her boyfriend. even though she just came in and gave me a cuddle. no lesbianness here, never worry. itsjust i wish i had someone who would cuddle me, and tell me when im being a dick and let me steal there drink and fight and sleep with. oh the things i dont have become ever so clear when they surround me.
4. im a fucking slut. and a lyer. i made up so much shit. i dont do it so you will think im cool, o maybe i do i dont know all this shit just comes out of my mouth. i never punched him. you know that. i know you know that but i still sya it anyway. i hope yo can forgove me when you find out all the things that i have done
5. i miss my friends. and im plauged by self doubt and slef loathing. not real selfloathing. i have nothong to hate myslef for. im to pathetic for that. hahaha. oh crist. im just a shit. like a fucker i dont deserve the friends i have. ive done everything in my power tp screw it up. ie. sex.
hahahha. oh man. no confesions i think. i dont want you to hate me. quite the opposite. but you dont care a bit. you would never know. you would never look that long. becuase you know you wouldnt like what you see.

please forgive me

somebody bring me my gin

2006-09-21T22:34:29Z

so here i am. in the north north north. its wierd. im not home sick. i dot miss anyone yet (its only been a week or so really) the flats great cept for a couple of bust light pugs and a shit shower. moneys okay, will hopefully get a job soon. not smokings goin ok. no major stress things yet, doubt that will happen for a while yet maybe. or at leastm not until university starts. its a bit odd living in a flat with tal, kindof expecting halls people to turn up any minute or something. its funny when it comes to watching films with her and dean, where all you diside you diside ect, i wonder if there like me, not wanting to pick a film i really like, tht they think is crap or if its something else.... i think i talk to much. no i dont just think i talk to much i know i alk to much. like. odd pointless things thatm i dont need to ask or say, that i know are stupid obvious things but i say them anyway. i really dont know why i do this... is it, throwback from pretending to be a dumn shit in high school or is it that i ahve to mouth to brain control or just that i dont loike silence... mech i dont know to many questions all at the same time.

just normall stress really. feel a bit well. lonely i suppose to put it plainly. theres no one i like, who i can call or talk to or something and theres no one ive just met, who i can jitter about txting or speaking to or something. i feal like im in limbo. a big dateless limbo of thirdwheelness (thats total bull, tal an dean have not done anythin to make me feel thirdwheelish its just my head being a basterd as per usual) yeah. so now im being self indulgent. if i think about it to much im just gona jump on the first boy-shaped band wagon that comes my way and i dont want to do that. not another chris shaped fiasco thankyee very much. will just have to be all seeing what happens and not crazy secrets theivin emotionally insane lou. hahahah like thats ever going to happen.

they have vegitarian haggis here

archbishopp of the purley few

2006-09-14T11:10:27Z

oooooooooh mano mnao man
train at 9 am tomorrow eep im all of a jitter
esh, if i dont have one thing to be jittery about i soon find something esle boys, tattoo's, moving many mnay miles away
(arm hurts, cant type for hootanany)
will be awhile bfore internet becomes an option again. its incadensent glow calling me (a twat)
so yeah. gona miss and not miss the follwoing buggers: phil, joe, sammy, chirs, nick, jack, jackabe, bill, emma, kelly, chloe, kirsty, rebo, laura, madeline, mags, ange, bianca, mama, papap, sophi baby, phee, all the lovelys that have been around in rochester, purley, london, leeds, leichester, bath and bournmouth...
oh you silly goose.

more later

ohanzee_nu @ 2006-09-09T00:21:00

2006-09-08T23:19:01Z

im drunk. my hands fucked and im really bloody angry

doing kartwheels in quicksand.

2006-09-06T22:03:41Z

went to see jackabeee the other day
was much much fun involving jd with lemonade, french films from the 80's, miniture casino's, curb resting, popcorn and pizza, script adjustment, more jd and lemonade, a keytar, bad song writting, scremo in village pubs, sleeping under a pile of coats, and jd with lemonade. im so glad i new him and little bear at rochester even if things werent as they seemed, most of the time everything was fucking hysterical heh, took alot of polaroids but papa has dismantled the scanner for no good reason (other than that he is a tart) so no show for a while...

10 days until i go, its wierd, a big last minute scrable to see all the people i had all summer to see, to do all the things i had the whole summer to do. wierd wierd wierd
another birthday cake needs to be made and a pub to go to with the band baby's one last time, or probably three last times, gota see rebecca, kelly, emma, mads (1 outof 4 aint bad) i want to go dancing with tal in london, my tattoo apointment times been booked for next wednesday at 5pm and im shitting myself but im doing it still, some things you just gota suffer for... gota find me the perfect electronic drum kit, and try not to fuck up one last time before i run.

cant be to hard, can it. hahahahahahahahah.