One year on

its been an insane two and a bit weeks.
leaving the flat, finding a new one, insane people at work tryin to get me fired, uni goin nuts, waking up in random beds with all my clothes on, the best gigs ever, chatting up american musicians, guestlists, pretty dresses ago-go, the sunshine and ive just been told the band have got into t in th park.
were all goin out tommorow night and im gonna get absolutly fucked.



life is ace.

ive been looking throu old photo's. i definatly have a type hahaha. oo-er.
and i also keep forgetting how nice lookin all my mates are, and how good some of them are at photography. i honestly hope i never loose them.

gig later, me and natalia goin to see the billionaires (my workmate and now friends band), i hope she likes em, they are responsible for some awesome nights out up here in ye ol edinburgh good in someways, bad in others (i blame the medicine) davids gonna be there i think, i have no idea whats goin on with me and him but im not gonna let it be wierd.

i like livejournal, but its really easy to want to steal someones idea, i belong to a couple of polaroid ones and in one a girl is taking then posting a polaroid everyday for a year, a while back i read a book by a man who had taked a photograph everyday for a year, just so happend he was a fashion photographer with a model girlefriend so im sure it helped but it made me want to do the same, i am so forgetful and im always seeing things i like everyday but i must have let it slip my mind. the livejournal thing has renewed my interest and i would start today and go buy film or a disposable camera if i wasnt so damn broke (weep weep) might actually have a little root around my room to see if i can find any i might have tucked away somewhere. i only have 4 camera's. two polaroids a shiney one that works and an old one that sometimes doesnt, my fish eye and a crappy digital. i dont want to take any with the digital one and polaroid film is proper expensive so i shall be buying tesco price disposables. whoop whoop.

i might be mooving to marchmont in august, into a flat i havent seen ahahha. eep. but i trust the judjment of the people who have seen it so hrm, wonder what it shall be like, i love the prospect of an unknown change, makes me all jittery in a good way. there are a few things i have to change about myself to at the moment. i keep getting much to wasted and behaving very, well. sluttishly i guess is the most honest way of putting it, its like i need someone to sit me down and say, stop it. cause being single all the time means i have no-one to worry bout upsetting with my behaviour. i think im gonna have to do it for myself.

the subject of the headline today is, well ive been smoking all morning and drinking herbal detox tea. kindof stupid combination.

i have a big long list of things i have to do, and an even bigger one of things i want to do. im not really doing either of them.

have to do.
finish costume: hemline, back fastenings, corset fastenings, buy ribbon, add on fabric manipulation
re-draw georges tatto in greytone
clean my room
clean the flat
clear out uni workspace
start getting stuff together for my mid-term review
give tal cash for the bills
wash my clothes
phone home
buy food

want to do
practise drumming and japanese more
sort out my drawings
t-break
see david
go back to london for a couple of days
go to choir
slob out
take a really good photograph of myself (haha)
new music


alot of things. balls.
i feal like sleeping for ahundred years.

its been a vrey strange last few days,the party on saterday, with the massive country house and random peacocks and my very own bottles of wine. sleepy sleepy. then working saterday exhausted from the lack of sleeping but still thinking its a good idea to go out dancing after, then wandering the streets with david, craig, carly, libby, danny and scot, stealing minstrels from the co-op and then, being the drunken fool that i am inviting tham all back to mine at 4 am then what followed. hahahaha. ohh bad bad medicene, and a few things i really shouldnt know. i like these people, i hope they like me. lots of stuff to do, damn internet procrastination. i should save this for some other day...

just realised ive had this journal for a year. wierd.

i had a lovely day. odd that.

oooooh happy days, 2 weeks holiday, fun at the gym, reading festival tickets (whoop kings of leon, css, klaxons, lcd soundsytems, arcade fire, bloc party, biffy clyro, ect ect whoop) actually did some proper excersise got all pink in the face....sexy. got paid and then discoverd ebay. hah. have been good and not bid stupidly on things i dont have enough money for, though was sorely tempted. got this dress for 15 quid though, looks like fun, and its 1950's so it might actually fit my stupid-arse body shape.




lets see how things go...

home again jiggedy jigg.
things are sliding between the way they are and the way they where.
and by home i mean edinburgh. havent really been home in a long time. everytime i think im loosing them i get little nudges and its nice, but sad to. cos listening to there lovely songs and a comment never makes up for a drink soaked dancefloor and a 5am train. but here its getting better, a group of people are nice to me, even when i do things and take things that make me overly friendly to the wrong people. i have to stop that, i dont want to do what i did with the boys in the band with this new group of cool ones. i had fun but it was a little heartbreaking. so really its just friends for me and everyone from now on. i dont really see the point, id only fuck it up anyhow. had a lovely weekend, saw my family in leeds, bought an old handbag and alot of 7inch records, danced until 3am in a jazz/swing and rumba bar smoked infront of them, bad idea but bad thoughts where working there way in. now im lying on my bed, next to my wide open window looking at black surrounded stars. doesnt matter that its cold, ive missed this view to much to care.

edinburgh. drizzely.
its 5:03 am. im compleatly sober and not that tierd. i dont know if i should risk sleep and waking up 3 hours late and getting into shit with my tutors, or not sleeping and passing out at work around 1 am tommorow morning. meah, tuesdays are slow in the pub anyways. im sure i will be fine.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
balls
thats the problem with doing an arts degree and living in a room with no natural daylight, things sortof stop making sense after a bit.

things have been going swimmingly lately, joined a gym = feel healthy, been really getting along with friends/workmates/costume girls, been a drunken fool "i own land on the moon" wtf? ah well been havin a great time with tal-lookin at old photos, watchin comedy vids cooking properly ect ect. fish visited wich was great he is an odd odd boy, and speaking of odd odd boys i met a rather nice one who thinks i am rather nice to, although is compleate dependance on pills/weed/ect in order to have a good time gets a little boring, but then again that really seems to be my type doesnt it... the slightly off ones hahaha. but yeah, missing london and the folks that come with it, slightly paranoid about this mid-term review thing coming up at college and feeling kindof allright about the way i look.. long hair may not be such a bad thing after all, i mean look at all the fun one can have with it


heheheheheheheheheehheeh
oh i am quite sad
goodnight folks, do let me know how you are.
xxx

i fell asleep last night while i was doing my homework, and fell of my chair. my face was all swollen when i woke up, an my bottom lip just split on the inside when i tried to eat a fucking sandwhich. little bear, your gonna laugh so much when you get back.

my sister has come to visit, big sister phee, its funny, i haddent really realised how little i had taken advantage of the fact i live in a city till she came up, weve been all over the place, playing chess and wierd 70's math games with prodigy children in the forest cafe, reading 80's comics at 25p each in deadhead, eating fish and chips in sleezy late night diners. i even went to a tango ball in a beutiful hall and lernt to dance argentinian tango... people are suprisingly nice if you wear a good pair of heals and explain that youve never danced this dance before... at the moment she's out xmas shopping and im supposed to be writting an essay, something to do with fashion and modernity. really cant do it, my dyslexias getting worse and a feal quite useless, just avoiding it really. silly girl.
atp first, then home. wowo christmas is going to be beutiful. even without snow.

auroraborialis.
i have no idea what that word means. i just like it.

its raining. i have a cold. and a big bag of maltesasers.
drew this the other day. hurrah ect.



anyways. been daydreaming about the future. i wonder whats going to happen next and all that.
wierd wierd wierd. so many things have happend since i started this journal, alot of things i didnt expect to happen, some that i hoped wouldnt and others that maybe are better for me than i think they are. well see i guess. goin to have carrots now. carrots and humous. tasty

youll never watch your life slide out of view. and then dance and drink and screw. because theres nothing else to do.

you dont know me at all.
and you never will.
thank fuck.

hrm.
life is many things at the moment.
on one side. really good. really really good.
great course, lots of work but its good work, a warm flat with lots of food in the fridge, a good job, a beutiful city, rain, invitations to birthday parties, a fucking great flatmate who makes me laugh and has good taste in film, friends at home who still talk to me, not looking to bad with boys hair, no dept, no illness, my lovely drums are coming in a couple of weeks.. its ok.

but otherwise. every positive has a negative.
im hungover almost everymorning, therfore late into class, theres so much fucking work im allready behind i dont know when im gona get time to go to glasgow and get bloody fabric samples, i cant seam to keep anything clean, a job that i might loose when we get our new manager, loose or have to quit if they cut down my hours, a city where i dont know where to go, and dont know anyone and am so scared of making a bad impretion i just make no impression at all, friends at home who i miss and i know it will be different when i go back. my skin eugh, really unsure about how much i should be spending, no doctor to go to, no room for anything anywhere. oh and ugh. Im really pissed of at stuff. honestly. i know im pissing other people of, i really dont want to be the person you cant talk to because they just have a go at you, i dont want to add to yor stress, but i dont really know how to help, i kindof make it up as i go along, before ive always been to self involved to even really care about peoples problems but i want you to be ok. so i have a go at you, great logic lou. but you know i dont mean to be a shit, or to make you feal crap or anything, i mean quite the opposite, i hope you know that and havent just put me into a box labeld, 'idiots who dont get it' maybe i should stop trying to fix you, and let you fix yourself, and just make you feal better when its all crap. would that be better? i guess so.



hhhhrrrrrrm. thats about all the rant out. i keep thinking about the past. (hence last couple of rather self-indulgent posts) bad bad bad. theres bollock-all to gain from it really. i have to leave it all behind at some point.

more good things though. a co-worker his name is craig, saw a drawing i did on my break at the pub, asked if he could use it for his band, i said yeah why not, made a copy of it, wrote his band name on it blah blah ect and gave him a couple of versions for the band to pick. turns out much to my suprise, that they have a record deal with parlaphone (not sure of spelling) and that if the company like the cover i did, its gona be, propelry printed, like, alot in shops with my name on the back. jeepers.
its funny, ive been freinds with various bands for years and never been asked to do anything by them, or if i have nothing has come of it. and ive known this guy for a week or two. it could be rejected by the company but still. its a nice thought.



good ol' silhouettes...
got some letters to send, emails to write, people to call, lots of little things to do, like music shopping and laundry. i feal, not in limbo but like im inbetween two things... not really sure why.
also fealing uber uber copycat-ish at the moment, in a bad way. not sure what to do about it. teh. things change.
some things can stay the same.
samon with herb butter for one.
yum.

heheheheheh
oh dear. bad loui.
ok so job = yay, workmates, funny, nice to me even when i fuck up with the till/ cutlery /food order /whatever but bad. bad bad bad. the whole 'lets see how drunk we can get the new girl before she stops being able to pull a pint' very it turns out. first day of cvcs (disitation preperation lectures) today, compleatly hungover, looking like an emo tit in my hoodie because my hair was so wrong it had to be coverd up. hahahahha oh my brain feels bad.
on the other hand, apart from the continuos drunkeness things are going swimmingly. i feal sort of happy. not stupid happy like when you get a kitten (sob) but expectant happy, like on the edge of something and it may be a horrible something or an amazing something, i just dont know what yet.

whoooooooooooo wee hah. i have a job (much dancing in the ailse for this one) i feal so much more ok now i know i have that sorted, things like, uni and friends and stress all realy on it, you know like i cant afford to go out if i dont have one equaling stress and fealing left out, cant buy new materials if i dont have one equaling stress and not to whahey about work. i know life isnt all about money. im not a twat. but it helps when your a student, im sure of that. hopefully i'll stop being such a crazy bitch all the time now. oh i wonder what the people on my course are gona be like, i hope there ok. or realllly crap, so i have someone to hate. it would be rubbish if they where only a little bit crap as people, then i would hate them and feal bad about it.
gah. my brain functions on a whole other place at this time in the mourning, meaning i sya things i always think, but never say maaaeagggg i.e. ect blah. oh im sleepy. and happy. the people i work with are nice and dont take themselves seriosly. thank fuck. ah bed now. sleep and dreams and maybe gettingcalled at 3 am again by joe n sammy to sign parklife to me. i swear i thought i dreamed that, had tocheck my calls register to make sure it really happend. its not fair, your suposed to be being dicks so i dont miss you. not drunk sweethearts.
oy vey *throws hands in air, in manner of old jewish man...*

ok. so drunk updating is a good and bad thing. bad because it is fairly attention seaking and over dramatic, and the spelling/typing skills leave much to be desired. but good becuase i really needed to get that out of my head and my system and onto something tangible. (hahah who am i kidding. my spelling probably improves when im drunk)

euch anyways. tis not so bad. just complicated. like a box, full of string and shoelaces and if you pull one out, you bring a heap with it. it is decided that i think and talk to much about the same things. i think i should stop obbsessing over the things i have no controll over, start reading proper books again, and enjoy the next three years. whatever they bring.
ahh i truely am a miniture buddah coverd in hair